Growing up|

I vividly recall being an awkward 12 year old, with long lanky arms and thin, skinny legs. I remember my growth spurt. It wasn’t gradual or graceful, but rather filled with shooting pains up my legs in the middle of the night.

Growth in our lives can be painful. It comes up without warning or caution. It demands its way into our lives.
My 12 year old self did not adjust well,it made me clumsy and seldom without a bruise on my body- having constant brushes with chairs and tables.

Recently, I grew up emotionally. A pivotal, life altering moment when I put my foot down and it dawned on me. My moment of growth was a single conversation. But as I sit here typing this, I realize that it was all these small moments throughout the last two years that lead me to this point.

Being the youngest brings its joys (hand-me-downs) and trails (easy target). I think what brought challenges my way was that I was constantly in my siblings shadows.

My brother was a natural with people. He would seamlessly meet strangers who would become friends within minutes. They all knew his name and he was admired by so many.

And my sister would walk into a room and the room would simultaneously light up. She had an uncanny ability to draw out people and make them feel loved and welcomed. I envied them.

And then there was me. The lanky, 12 year old who was self-deprecating, awkward and deep. I remember a period of time where I sat at my desk and wrote poetry and painted-grasping for some sort of better understanding of myself. This may sound like a usual tale, of pre-teenage angst. But it was my version of exerting energy hoping that in some way, I could be like them. Secretly I hoped, that one day, I would wake up and I would be lovable. That I would enter a crowd and they would want to see me.

The difficulty with living with those sort of expectations is that I was robbing myself of the pure joy of being myself.
The beauty is is that there is only one of me. That the gifting I have and the way I relate to the world is completely original. Each time I feel deeply about something, and sometimes even feel the pain of it, I thank God. Every time that I can impart even just a little bit of wisdom and truth into someone else’s life, I am thankful.

What happened during that conversation, was that I realized that after purposely trying to be myself all these years ,I had inadvertently done it and I was finally discovering my full self.

I don’t endorse an entire lifestyle surrounded by “finding yourself”, but I do support discovering yourself. I don’t need to be found. I am here.

But as I continue to pull away the layers of my insecurities about what I have to offer, I realize that regardless of what others may say, I know, with confidence, who I am at my core.