In the Shadows|

This post comes from alot of inward perspective and so much growth and change in this last year. 2019 was a year where I think I let go of things I had been holding on for decades. Things that ate me alive and gave me incredible and overbearing anxiety.

This is painful to write, but I think it's so important to share. I am a comparison junkie. I used to live and breathe by comparison. So much of my life was living in the shadows of those who were deemed superior to me. "Be more like your sister", "Be kind like your brother". To constantly feel that you are inadequate is something that never leaves you.

It haunts you and rears is ugly head in times when you are most vulnerable. I told someone the other day that I am addicted to perpetual self-improvement. The minute I feel that I do not have control over aspects of my life, I jump into my mode of self improvement. I think, "my body composition is something tangible, let me try to control that." "I should work on being more kind." "I should stop showing my emotions, because it makes people feel uncomfortable."

But nothing feels worse the living in the shadows. It dark and lonely, and ridden with feelings of hopelessness.

This year has been a shedding act. Slowing removing all those layers. First I had to be okay with myself. That was a struggle. To know that regardless of what I do or what I say or how I speak, I am enough.

The second layer was letting go of comparison. Realizing that if people love you for what you are to them and not for who you are, they should not be in your life.

The third layer I had to shed was my social anxiety. Going to places and not acclimatizing myself to the situation. Realizing that who I am at my core is valued and important and I don't have to make people like me. It sounds like a simple task, but I still struggle with it.

The final layer I shed this year was that of being strong. This year was trying emotionally when my husband had an unexpected brain tumour. Nothing prepares you for that moment. Your whole world falls apart.

This last month of the year, I have let my walls down. I have signed up for therapy, something I have been putting off for the year. I have given myself permission to do things alone and cried alot. I have started to journal again, something I always loved to do.

Going into 2020 isn't a new stamp of growth, because 2019 gave me that already. But what it is, is an opportunity to no longer live in the shadow of someone else and finally bask in the warmth of the sun.