On|Grief

Yesterday I told Greg that I needed a morning at the coffee shop-to write.

Whenever I go through significant moments in my life, I always feel the urge to write. It really truly is my passion. I drive everyday for work and I often find my mind drifting off into the world of words-dancing on my dashboard like little flickers of light.

This last season of my life has been heart-wrenching. The kind of season where you feel like it is the longest, coldest winter. Reminders are in every place, haunting you and visiting you in your weakest moments.

I lost someone-someone who only was in my life for 8 weeks. Maverick was a angel. Coming into the world boldly and quickly. Touching lives even in the absence of his presence;still. I pray you never have to go through the loss of a child-because it is so painful.

I remember getting the call that he had passed and letting out a cry. I kept asking God, "Why?!".

Sometimes the thought when we go through difficult moments, it somehow invariably give us a sense of certainty. You hear phrases like,

"Everything happens for a reason."
"There is purpose in this hard time."

Honestly I don't feel that. I feel that there has been incredible, touching and in-explainable silver linings through this process. I know that I hold my loved ones closer then I have ever have. I know that he has brought healing to relationships in my family.

But I don't know that I see the purpose in it right now. And that is perfectly fine. Greg and I reflect often on all that we have gone through and we still to this day do not understand it. And that is okay.

What I have discovered about our human nature is that we want to make sense of things. We want to explain, rationalize, understand, comprehend our immense grief and pain. We want to assess our grief, putting it in a box and try to navigate it like a check box on a to-do list.

But grief doesn't work that way. It rears it head when you least expect it-by listening to a song, talking to someone and even by seeing a baby in a grocery store.

There is no sense in our grief, because you cannot control how you feel. And instead of punishing ourselves for not knowing how to navigate our grief, let's take it as it is. Crying in your car when you hear that song, holding on to those sweet moments when you see the face of a baby, and when someone extends a hand of kindness when you are having an extra hard day.

I have no wise words in this moment, except to express how I am feeling right now; and it is what I can offer. If you are reading this and going through your own type of grief, reach out to someone. The burden of grief can be navigated so much better when you don't feel alone.